03
Dec

Heart Break


This weeks Girl-Talk Thursday is about heart ache and heart break.

I know the first thought that comes to mind with heart ache is the opposite sex. But I’d like to go somewhere a little different today.

I was 22 years old when my son was born. A month after his birth, my husband was (honorably) discharged from the Marines, and we drove from California to Wisconsin. We had two vehicles, so I was driving, too.
My sister, Aunty S., generously flew out to help us with the drive back. And that may have saved my sanity, because Baby Truck was anti-carseat.
And then we moved into the in-laws place.
And did I mention I had postpartum depression after Miss Question was born?

You would think that will that info, I would have been better prepared, sought help early on. Yeah. Apparently, I’m a slow learner.

Truck had trouble with breastfeeding from the start. He couldn’t seem to latch on. Then my supply decreased. And here I was, in the in-laws house, trying to feed my son discretely in the bedroom, while entertaining a toddler.

My husband temporarily lost his sanity, and thought he was 19 and responsibility-free again. Help was not forthcoming from that quarter.

And eventually, I wound up switching to formula. I felt like such a failure. Which only added to the problem.

For six months, I lived life in a daze. I showed up for work when I had to, and watched, fed and bathed the kids. But I did it in a very detached manner.

It wasn’t until after we moved out of the in-laws, and the big, ugly mess that had been building at work (did I mention that not only were we living there, we were both working for them, too? On what planet did we think that was a good idea??) erupted, that I began to realize what was going on.

It took a massive fight with the in-laws, a frustrated vent from TheMan, and a gentle suggestion from my mother before I went in to the doctor.

After a few weeks on the medication, I was able to look around and see the difference.
And I cried that night. I cried all night, that night.

It broke my heart that *I* had subjected my family to that not once, but twice. Two times I put my daughter through that. My son only had to deal with it once, but I worry that it affected him.

His dad wasn’t home most of the time, he was either working out of state, or off partying.

So when Truck talked late, I blamed myself. The fact that his sister went through the same thing, and talked early was disregarded.

When he refuses to cuddle, kiss, or hug, I wonder, “Is he being a normal two year old, or did I psychologically screw him up by being so detached during those six months?”

Intellectually, I know he’s fine. I know they are both fine, and that if they even noticed at that age, the scars would be minor.
In my heart, I wonder, I worry, and I cry.

The heart break I experienced that first night I cried, was worse than what any male has ever put me through.

Slightly Similar Nonsense:

Category: Mental, Parental  Tags: , , , ,
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  • http://severinebaron.com/mamalamama/ Severine

    Funny that the minute you finish pushing those babies out, you instantly become a mother (good), but you take on this mass of guilt (bad) that goes along with it!
    I feel you. Intellectually you can reason with yourself, but otherwise it feels like any wrongs in your kids are your fault. UGH!
    I keep reminding myself that any beautiful thing they do is probably my "fault" too! It reassures me… :-)
    .-= Severine´s last blog ..My daughter’s birth, by Daddy (a VBAC story) =-.

  • http://vixensden.com Vixen

    I know it's hard to overcome the guilt feelings, but the love you show your children is more than enough to overcome any "wrongs" you might think you did. Trust me.
    .-= Vixen´s last blog ..WW~Inappropriate, Yet So Very, Very Funny =-.

  • http://superheroesmom.com Blia

    I think as mom's we always feel the most guilty for anything that occurs. I know my husband will take things concerning my kids more lightly then me, but I guess it's also part of our motherly instincts. Your kids will be fine I'm sure.

  • http://www.themillermix.com Kelly

    Sadly, the beauty of motherhood is marred by the guilt so many of us carry around. My theory is that you do the best you can, make the next best choice, and love your children with all your heart. If you do those things, they will be okay.

    Mental illness is deceptive and insidious. When you realized it had control of you, you made the next best choice. Your children will thrive as a result.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..GTT: Healed =-.

  • http://www.neuroclassymom.blogspot.com Jenny

    I suffered from PPD twice, too. It's rough – and very hard to recognize, even after you've been through it before. I think it is so much more common that people realize.
    And, I totally get your Mommy Guilt. We all have it. All we can do is the best that we can on any given day. If our heart is in the right place, we just have to trust that it will all turn out all right. Your babies will be OK. You love them and they know it. ;)

  • http://therantingmommy.com The Ranting Mommy

    What an amazingly heartfelt post. I never had PPD myself, but I definitely had some horrid mother moments in the midst of sleep deprivation, difficult breastfeeding nightmares, etc. The mommy guilt is hard to shake even when we know it isn't rational. But remember, your heartbreak is proof positive of how MUCH you love them. That alone will keep them well. Believe that.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • http://daily-della.blogspot.com Adelas

    Ranting Mommy has it all right, everything I was going to say.

    I know guilt is hard to shake, mommy or otherwise. Praying that it may simply motivate you for the future, instead of holding you forever in the past. *hug*
    .-= Adelas´s last blog ..GTT – Heartbreak =-.

  • http://ijonc.blogspot.com magda

    Loving our children enough to do better I think is the gift of our generation. It hurts a lot. I don't think this sort of reflection and adjustment occurred much 30 or 40 years ago. This conscious living and parenting. Doing things better and different because it will be emotionally good for our children. I seriously believe my mother is mentally ill. There is no other explanation for the lack of parenting by such a highly educated person with access to help or support. Unfortunately, either genetically or in response to her brand of mothering I have issues with depression. It sucks to be sad. But the scondary sadness over the impact our sadness on others can be too much to bear.

    On a brighter note: I am soooo "If you Give a Mouse A Cookie". I found you on Spawnocalypse yesterday and returned today to discover the comments of Ranting Mommy and Adela who I must visit now and thus further neglect domestic duty .
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Hello Cupcake =-.

  • ThePsychobabble

    Thank you guys so much for the loving/supportive comments. I think you all really hit it on the nose re: mommy guilt.

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  • http://thecrazyrambler.wordpress.com Fenny

    Hi Jennifer,

    Even while it is hugely out of date, I can’t help myself but respond.
    And no, I am not a mommy. But I know depression and how it creeps up on you.

    I am simply wondering how much *mommy guilt* is healthy and when does it become a burden that stands in your and your children’s way?

    In my humble opinion, you had an aweful lot to deal with both times. The second time even worse, I think.

    Having a baby, moving, living with family, working with family, an absent hubby are each in its own huge stressors! ANd then you wonder why you couldn’t figure it out?!

    In my humble opinion: I am very proud of you that you worked through it all, got yourself and the situation together in the end. And that is what really counts!!

    Maybe it’s a non-issue by now, which I sincerely hope, thaen I ask to ignore my comment and continue happily on your way, enjoying life, kids and hubby!

    Fenny

    • Thepsychobabble

      The mommy guilt comes and goes some days:) I appreciate your words though, and thank you for the support:)

  • http://www.barcafc1234.com Charline Moine

    Great blog, Just wanted to comment that i can not connect to the rss stream, you might want install the right wordpress plugin for that to workthat.

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