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Alice in Wonderland, memory and yesterdays

 

“But it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
-Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol
I have a love-hate relationship with yesterdays. Sometimes I want to return to them, or at least a whitewashed handful of them. Other times I’m glad I can’t remember many details of those yesterdays. And occasionally, I seek out the details.

 

It bothers me, that there are these big gaps in what I remember, with no reason or explanation. No serious head injuries or big traumatic events that I’ve ever heard about, not even a hint of. So why these holes? What’s missing?

It wouldn’t bother me so much if I thought it was just lousy memory, but I don’t have these same gaps from about 17-18 and on. Maybe a little earlier.
But before that age, there are just little random bits and pieces. Not the stories people talk about, either. Those I don’t usually remember.

I’ve had therapists/counselors that want to approach these blank spots. But I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m leery of the idea of putting myself in a situation where someone might be able to guide me to remembering something filtered by their opinion of that event. It’s hard to explain what I’m trying to say.
I guess that I don’t want to leave myself open to suggestions?

On the other hand, it feels weird to feel like I’m missing something. Like I should *know* this stuff, and it’s kinda almost there, but not within reach.

I think that Alice had it wrong, yesterday is of use, specifically because we were different then. Yesterday is how we learn who we are, and what makes us…us.

I don’t know why I can’t remember these gaps. Is my memory really that poor? Is there some sort of physical reason? If it’s that my mind won’t allow me to (for whatever reason, trauma, stress or part of my mental health issues…), then maybe now that I’m a (slightly) more confident person, maybe now I could have those back? Good, bad or mundane, they are part of who I am now.

Yesterday…..I was a different person then.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 at 12:12 AM and is filed under Mental. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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  • http://mommyiscranky.blogspot.com Cranky Sarah

    I have the same gaps, though, I'd say there is not an age at which they end. I really don't believe anything BAD happened during those times, and if it did, I do not want to know about it as I'm doing just fine – give me a sort of HAHA. Really, though, I'd be worried about influence too and unless/until issues start to crop up in my life now, I'm not going to muck about in it because there are enough issues with other members of the family that I'm sure a "concerned" therapist could "discover" happened to me, too.
    My sister, on the other hand seems to remember everything, even things I'm pretty sure never happened because they are so out of character for the subject. My grandmother, who was Bipolar, did the same thing. Even swearing under oath that my parents left us kids with them for 6 months so my parents could go gamble in Las Vegas, when the truth was that it was for less than a week during school spring break. But the issues of my sister, grandmother and mother are all tied directly to my grandmother's 2nd husband and that is a whole other LONG story.
    My point is that I chose to not be stressed about the gaps, but I Totally see your point. (phew)
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..I'd like to blame the tears on allergies =-.