“But it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
-Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol
I have a love-hate relationship with yesterdays. Sometimes I want to return to them, or at least a whitewashed handful of them. Other times I’m glad I can’t remember many details of those yesterdays. And occasionally, I seek out the details.
It bothers me, that there are these big gaps in what I remember, with no reason or explanation. No serious head injuries or big traumatic events that I’ve ever heard about, not even a hint of. So why these holes? What’s missing?
It wouldn’t bother me so much if I thought it was just lousy memory, but I don’t have these same gaps from about 17-18 and on. Maybe a little earlier.
But before that age, there are just little random bits and pieces. Not the stories people talk about, either. Those I don’t usually remember.
I’ve had therapists/counselors that want to approach these blank spots. But I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m leery of the idea of putting myself in a situation where someone might be able to guide me to remembering something filtered by their opinion of that event. It’s hard to explain what I’m trying to say.
I guess that I don’t want to leave myself open to suggestions?
On the other hand, it feels weird to feel like I’m missing something. Like I should *know* this stuff, and it’s kinda almost there, but not within reach.
I think that Alice had it wrong, yesterday is of use, specifically because we were different then. Yesterday is how we learn who we are, and what makes us…us.
I don’t know why I can’t remember these gaps. Is my memory really that poor? Is there some sort of physical reason? If it’s that my mind won’t allow me to (for whatever reason, trauma, stress or part of my mental health issues…), then maybe now that I’m a (slightly) more confident person, maybe now I could have those back? Good, bad or mundane, they are part of who I am now.
Yesterday…..I was a different person then.
Slightly Similar Nonsense:
- What I Did This Week
- The Universe is a Bitch
- A Letter to A Beautiful Girl with Angst Issues
- Eventually, I will lose my mind
- Letters from my Desk