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My (Likely Unpopular) Opinion on the Duggars

Let me start by clarifying that I do NOT think that Michelle Duggar’s miscarriage is any way a punishment, or just deserts or anything like that. Loss is a sad thing, and how many children you had prior to that loss is not relevant to the amount of pain it causes.

However, I do take issue with the fact that I’m supposed to weep tears of sorrow on the Duggars’ behalf. Or the idea that loss somehow negates responsibility for your actions.
They were told repeatedly that another pregnancy could very well end in one or more deaths. They willfully ignored medical advice in pursuit of another pregnancy, and it resulted in one or more deaths. Sad? Yes, absolutely.
But no more sad than the thousands of other women, caught up in Gothard-ism and Quiverfull and so on, (sects that place heavy emphasis on procreation and “God’s will”) who have lost children and their lives by engaging in the same behaviour. It is very hard for me to have sympathy for a family that seeks to glorify and romanticize such behaviour and beliefs that routinely put women at risk.

And while I understand the reaction people have had to anything that might possibly be criticism of the Duggar parents and their beliefs at this time, I disagree with the idea that we *shouldn’t* speak up. That we should pretend that this is normal, healthy behaviour.

It’s a tricky situation. I’ve seen pro-life people triumphitly declare, “Ah! See? You’re all for choice as long as it is the choice you’d make!” Let me attempt to clarify. I’m all for reproductive freedom, and Michelle Duggar’s choice is just that; her choice. I would happily go to bat for her right to continue to make that choice. But that doesn’t mean that I have to agree with her choice.

For many women who are in these various sects/religions that embrace this same philosophy, they have no choice. They are told how to dress, act, and speak. They are not given a choice of what they would like to do with their lives. And they certainly don’t have a choice when it comes to birth control. If they dare to attempt a choice? They will be made to suffer. That is what is (a small part of the horrors) behind the scenes of the religion/world view that the Duggars promote.

I certainly don’t hold all of life’s answers in my hands, but I refuse to believe that a religion/sect that routinely degrades women, routinely puts them in danger and routinely takes away choice (in so many areas) is what was intended by *any* Higher Power. And I will speak out against it.

Slightly Similar Nonsense:

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 12th, 2011 at 8:27 AM and is filed under Mental, Political. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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  • http://www.thedawnieproject.com Dawnie

    I applaud you for speaking out. Whether I agree with you or not doesn’t matter (though I do agree with you). I find it very sad that they lost the baby. But I will not join the throngs of people gushing over the tragedy of it, because they were warned that it would be dangerous to attempt another pregnancy. My biggest issue with their overly large family is time. How can they honestly give enough quality time to each of those kids? I just don’t see how it’s possible. And quality time is the one thing that I find important in raising children. That’s just my opinion though. Again, thank you for talking about it.

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      And thank you for reading it:) I hesitated, because I know it’s a sensitive situation, but now I’m glad I did.

  • http://twitter.com/SBeeCreations SarahBee

    I find any loss of a child to be heartbreaking and I’m deeply saddened by some of the comments I’ve been unfortunate enough to read. People’s cruelty knows no bounds sometimes. The number of living children you have doesn’t lessen the pain of loss. However, growing up, one of my closest friends was the eldest of a similarly sized family. It wasn’t until later that I realized her mother didn’t have think she had any input on the matter at all after a while and this fills me with a deep sadness. They had a wonderful and loving family who spent quality time with each other and grew up to be wonderful and loving people but I often wonder at how different things would be if she had found her voice earlier. I also find it deeply unfair and personal that their homeschooling ways are being attacked, but that is another matter for another day. 

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      I agree that there have been some nasty comments made that were more like attacks than opinions. And that’s sad. A person can disagree without being cruel. 

  • EmuStu

    I also tend to agree with you, and applaud you for speaking out. Whether I agree with the way they live their lives is irrelevant – I am sad for their loss, but that is as far as my sympathy goes. 

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      I think some people have a hard time accepting that someone could feel sympathy for them, and still disagree with them.

  • http://lucidlotuslife.com joules

    I agree.  That baby was already on it’s way and it’s loss is, of course, something to be mourned and saddened by.  But the possibility of these people trying for more children and being encouraged, not only by their faith, but by the whole of America wanting to watch the freak show is irresponsible and unfortunate for the children they already have and the future children they may have.

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      I agree. The problem with placing the emphasis on how pregnancy and conception is “God’s Blessing” is that it doesn’t take into account the resulting children, or consider how they will be provided for, taken care of, etc. While that’s worked out for the Duggar family, many other families practicing the same beliefs wind up living in poverty.

  • http://karenismuttering.blogspot.com/ karen

    A well written and thoughtful opinion as always.  This speaks to me very strongly.  Thanks.

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      Thank you for taking the time to read it:)

  • http://illbeyourwater.wordpress.com/ Delana

    I agree with you.  She has a choice and made it, is it one I would choose for me? No, I would rather not birth 19 kids nor have 21 pregnancies. 
    But for her and her family it works (albeit not in a sense many of us agree with).  And it’s ok to say we don’t agree.  I argue and “stick up” for her to people who say she has no right to continue to have kids, and that her loss was just God telling her enough.
    The loss of a child is sad whether that child is the 1st, 8th, or 21st. 

    And while many pockets of Mormonism degrade women, the church as whole doesn’t always.  The majority of my dad’s side is mormon, and some have large (16+ kid) families, while others only have one or two kids.  In all those instances it was a choice between the woman, her husband, and their Higher Power; not anybody else.

    Thank you for such a well thought out agrument.  :-)

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      Thank you for reading:) Any loss is a sad loss, certainly. I hope that their family doesn’t have to experience it ever again.

  • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

    Good for you, the whole thing frightens me. 

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      It’s a scary subject to tackle. There’s very strong feelings on both sides. Anything that involves religion, sex and/or politics, right?

  • Crystal

    Here, here!! I concur completely and although I’m not a fan of any organized religion, those that choose to degrade women and manke them feel inferior are ones the world could defintely do without!! The woman outta take a break from the child bearing before she leaves 19 children behind without a monther.

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      There is that aspect, too. Whether it is fair or not to the other members of the family….

  • Leslie

    A  few things I think are important to remember here…
    First, I saw some references (in the post and the comments) to “attempting” or “pursuing” another pregnancy.  That is NOT what the Duggars are doing or the way they see it.  They aren’t actively pursuing birth control as our society usually does either, but there is a difference.  I have heard Michelle Duggar say things like, “we were beginning to wonder if our family was done” or “if God chooses to bless us with another…”(not intended to be direct quotes; I have paraphrased with full confidence that I have not strayed from her bottom-line idea).Second, my knowledge of the Duggars, in no way leads me to believe this isn’t whole heartedly Michelle Duggar’s belief system and lifestyle choice (not to be confused with actively pursuing a 21 pregnancy).  There is no evidence leading me to believe Jim Bob puts (or has ever put) pressure on her to have a large family or that she feels she had no choice in the matter. Third, my exposure to what Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar believe about God, in NO WAY makes me think they are in some religious “cult.” To say that a “religion” promotes a life-style that endangers women/mothers simply because they believe God gives us children as blessings, is more than mildly offensive! MOST Christian denominations believe that He will only give us what we need or can handle, and that HE is the ultimate form of birth control (meaning He’s ultimately in charge regardless of whether we have surgery or pop a pill to prevent pregnancy).We’re all entitled to our opinions; God gave us that too (free will).I have no doubt my comment will be “unpopular”  :-)

    It is very easy to blur fact and opinion in matters such as this one.  
    A large part of Faith, believing without seeing (essentially), is so personal and internal that a person may never speak it to another.
    We can’t really say definitively WHAT the Duggars believe because we aren’t them.

    • http://thepsychobabble.net thepsychobabble

      I remember a while ago, discussing birth control with a friend, when she wisely pointed out that not preventing pregnancy has the same effect as trying. Either way, you’re likely to wind up pregnant:)
      I don’t believe that I used the word cult, although now that I think of it, there are certainly similarities between some of the groups that subscribe to these ideals and some of the cults that have been exposed in the past. Interesting point.
      The idea that children are blessings is not what endangers women. The idea that pregnancy/conception itself is a blessing, and that, regardless of risks to health and/or sanity, a woman should never, ever seek to prevent a pregnancy, AND that to do so is tantamount to spitting in the face of God (or whatever higher deity. Christian sects don’t have the corner market on forcing women to do dangerous or degrading things in the name of religion) is what is dangerous and/or unhealthy. Truthfully, in most of these sects/groups, fertility is just one cornerstone of their beliefs, and there are many other aspects that combine to take away freedoms and choices. For many victims, it doesn’t start out that way. Many gave up a few things along the way and over a period of time saw their freedoms and choices slowly stripped away. That is what is so insidious about these groups.  And while we can’t know absolutely what the Duggars believe, we can look at what they’ve told us they believe, and their public behaviour and then connect the dots. The Duggar family themselves is not the problem. They’re merely a jumping-off point to discussing the problem.